My mother the enabler

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anxiety, bipolar, bipolardisorder, depression, manic, materialism, mentalhealth, mentalhealthawareness, mentalillness

So a topic recently came up my husband’s therapy sessions which was his perception that my mother enables me and therefore controls me. I was mad when my husband told me about it — my mom is a very kind hearted lady who fully understand my bipolar diagnosis. She’s so supportive. But then I stopped being mad and started listening. Its true actually.

My mom can get me to do just about anything — from starting a new medication to changing something up in my life. She’s been helping me out financially, which has sort of enabled me to not be independent and find and apply for jobs. She then controls me by assisting in my decision making on pretty much everything. I don’t think she has bad intentions. She’s a kind hearted woman with good intent. However, I know I’m capable of being way more independent.

My mom does have a micro managing personality type. She knows about pretty much everything going on in my life. I truly feel I can’t get anything past her – which is awkward considering I’m 25 and married.

This article is exactly what is wrong with other peoples mentalities on bipolar

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bipolar, bipolardisorder, manic, mentalhealth, mentalhealthawareness, mentalillness

Bipolar? Or Gifted? – The Modern Day Epidemic Of Medicated “Madness”

Read it and see..it says being bipolar is a gift and being manic is euphoria and a heightened state of consciousness. This made me mad – some people are so uneducated.

Learning life skills with a childhood diagnosis of bipolar

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anxiety, bipolar, bipolardisorder, depression, manic, mentalhealth, mentalhealthawareness, mentalillness

When I was growing up with bipolar disorder, my mom took it really easy on me. I never had chores, never had to make my bed and certainly didn’t learn extra life skills like sewing or cooking. It just wasn’t on the table for me – I had bigger things on my plate to master like OCD and bipolar mood swings.

Looking back, I think that my mom made the right choice in not putting extra pressures on me. But when I became older and got my first apartment, I had no idea how to pick up after myself. I would leave dirty dishes everywhere and would send my laundry home for my mom to do because I had anxiety about learning how to use a new washer and dryer. I lived off takeout. It just wasn’t good.

Now that im 25 and have been living on my own for 6 years, I’ve learned the basics of cooking and can do the dishes. But it was hard for me at first and took a long time to learn and get in the routine. I still think my mom made the right choice in not making me do much as a kid but my adult years have truly been a challenge.

Yep that’s it. Time to move on

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anxiety, bipolar, bipolardisorder, depression, materialism, mentalhealth, mentalhealthawareness, wellness

Yep that’s it..almost time to move on from the 1 bedroom apartment I lived in for 3 years. This is all of the stuff I’ve accumulated in that time period – it’s a lot of stuff, which I’m storing in my parents house until my house is ready.

For some reason, the more my stuff grows the more depressed I feel. That’s only 3/4 of my stuff…its the most important things I own. 1/4 of it I gave away or threw away prior to moving. If I had more stuff, it wouldn’t have fit in half of the garage.

When I look at all of my things, I don’t feel immense joy. However, when I look at all of the old photos I have or receive a warm hug from a loved one – that is what brings me joy. You see, material things and money does not bring happiness. I learned this the hard way over the years…from having a shopping problem and buying so much random stuff to selling it when I became broke. Going through this cycle of materialism is not happiness.

My only goal in life is to be happy. Right now I would say that I have so many happy moments throughout the day and overall I know joy. But im not a consistently joyful person — and I know those people exist because I have met them. Getting rid of 1/4 of my stuff wad relief…and I’m on my way to always rejoicing

Thank you for having bipolar disorder because..

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anxiety, bipolar, bipolardisorder, depression, health, mentalhealth, mentalhealthawareness, mentalillness, wellness

I had a friend recently do the unthinkable – she thanked me for having bipolar disorder because it taught her growing up how to deal with difficult people. I wasn’t really upset at her saying this because I’ve known her since age 10 and know she didn’t really mean anything by it. However, it’s a bit odd to thank someone for having chronic illness, as though they should be thankful for being a pain in the ass to deal with.

When she said that, I sort of politely nodded my head (you see us difficult bipolar people do have self control sometimes). I hate that “all about me” attitude where someone has the audacity to thank someone else for being born with a life altering, sometimes horrific illness so they can develop strong social skills.

A word of advice: don’t thank someone for having chronic illness and being difficult. That’s like saying to someone who has cancer “thanks so much for having cancer. Its taught me compassion”

Metformin is the medication from hell

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anxiety, bipolar, bipolardisorder, depression, mentalhealth, mentalhealthawareness, mentalillness

So I am on metformin to combat the weight gain associated with another medication I take — abilify. I’ve always hated the idea of going on a medication to combat the side effects associated with another medication. Its just wrong to me. But I did it anyway. Bad idea.

Metformin is not necessary in treating my bipolar disorder. It’s normally used to treat people with diabetes. But I was beginning to think about the medication differently after my gynecologist told me the reason it makes you lose weight is because your food isn’t digesting properly when you take it. So yeah — im paying not to digest my food and not to get proper nutrients in my body PLUS to get horrific diarrhea after I eat or drink anything? No thank you.

So I’ve gradually gone off metformin. And when I went off it I became so constipated I was hospitalized for stomach pain (which turned out to be constipation). Im continuing to not take it though – I know this constipation period will not last. Ive been drinking prune juice to “get things moving” but it’s amazing how metformin can change my body so much. The horrific side effects are enough to make me stay away from this medication forever. Its horrible. Do not go on it.

Moving

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anxiety, bipolar, bipolardisorder, depression, mentalhealth, mentalhealthawareness, mentalillness

That’s it — I’ve moved out of my teeny tiny one bedroom apartment and into my parents home until my house is ready in a few weeks. The move was overwhelming to say the least — it involved a ton of heavy lifting, which can be hard for me.

Since the move I’ve been really sick but managed to push through while getting some rest. I’ve had a lot of anxiety though. You see, my cats are staying in the kennel while I stay with my parents for 10 days. I worry about them being in the kennel and have sunk into a bit of a depression about it. I know they will be fine though..

Also, it has been alarming to me how much my parents home doesn’t feel like “home” anymore — I know I’ve grown up but I feel like a guest here. It’s just strange. I can barely sleep at night, like I’m in an unfamiliar place. I’m really excited about the new house though — my house I mean.

Worst. Timing. Ever.

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anxiety, bipolar, bipolardisorder, depression, health, healthy, manic, mentalhealth, mentalhealthawareness, mentalillness

This is honestly the worst timing ever. I spent 5 hours in the middle of the night last night in the hospital. I was having lower abdominal pain, which was to the point of me not being able to walk very well. I was also constipated. After taking extra metformin, laxatives, and drinking coffee I still couldn’t poop. Its really strange for me not to be able to poop — since metformin is like a laxative in itself.

After doing ultrasound, CT scan, blood work and x-rays, they didn’t find anything. They said I probably strained something moving and packing my stuff. You see, today I am moving and have a really important job interview. Yep…worst. timing. Ever.

This hospital visit will probably cost me a few hundred dollars with my insurance — but without insurance it would have been thousands. Once again, I’m not sure how people live without health insurance. Am I just really Ill or do people never need to go to the hospital and doctor and the need for medical help is just a fragment of my imagination?

I’m exhausted today and have to move. I got 3 hours of sleep last night and can barely talk my voice is so hoarse. Not in the best of moods.

Moving on

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anxiety, bipolar, bipolardisorder, depression, manic, mentalhealth, mentalhealthawareness, mentalillness

Today I packed up about 1/3 of my crap to get ready for my move into a bigger place. Currently I live in a 1 bedroom apartment and I’ll be moving into a 3 bedroom house. I’m excited for this journey.

I have a really bad ear infection but still managed to pack. I feel as though I am getting sick. Its a downer. But im feeling grateful today for my new house and for  my struggle. If I didnt know what it was like to live In a shitty 1 bedroom apartment I would not feel so grateful for my new house. You must know darkness to appreciate light.

I’ve handled the stress and anxiety of packing quite well today — and for that im proud of myself. It was truly a team effort. My husband and I are a good team.

Not feeling well at all today. Crap.

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anxiety, bipolar, bipolardisorder, depression, mentalhealth, mentalhealthawareness, mentalillness

Yesterday I started to feel like I was going to get an ear infection and surely enough got one. My eyes are also heavy and my throat is scratchy. How do people do without health insurance..? Once again I do not understand.

But you see, this is the worst timing. Im moving out of my apartment this Tuesday and haven’t packed yet — well I’ve only packed 4 boxes. That doesn’t exactly count. On Tuesday I also have a job interview for a full time job that seems like I could do it and is a fit. I really want this job. Yet I’m sick and can’t seem to pack up my place becsuse of a raging ear infection and exhaustion.  My husband is working but he said he would help me pack tonight.

I’m just trying my best to take my anti anxiety medication and keep calm. I not only have anxiety about moving and getting it all done and my ear infection and job interview, but also about taking my cats to the kennel for a few weeks. You see, I’m staying with my parents until my new place is ready and the kennel seems like a scary place for the cats — I have no other option though, since my parents aren’t cat people.

Just hoping and praying I don’t blow this job interview because of the stress of the move and being sick. Life always does this to me.